On Saying Goodbye

When you’re grieving you expect that the world will somehow change with the way that you’ve changed.  That maybe the sun will stop shining because you are crying so hard all you see is darkness.  How could it not, when you feel changed forever?  But it doesn’t.  No one can know how empty you feel inside because your loss is intangible and unknowable to everyone else around you.  Life goes on as it should and though you try to put one foot in front of the other, it’s just not always possible.

This post does not come easy for me today.  Despite all your good thoughts, and my wishing with all my might, I lost my Dad yesterday afternoon.  I wish I had the eloquent words he so deserved to tell you what a wonderful man he was and how important he was to me, that I could make you understand exactly what I’ve lost.  And though he deserved that pretty speech more than anyone I know, I just feel hollow inside.  I loved you with all my heart Dad and I hope you knew that even though I never got to say goodbye.

I’m going to take some time away from this part of my life for a while.  Please don’t worry about me and please don’t take it personally if it takes me a while to get back to reading your blogs and checking my e-mails. I am so grateful for all the kindnesses each and every one of you has shown me and it means so much that you have all been there for me the past few weeks.  I can’ t thank you enough for all of that.  Please take care of yourselves in the meantime and know that even though I am taking time off to take care of myself, I do think of each of you often and hope that your lives are happy and your loved ones are safe.

Until we meet again,

M

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17

Has It Sprung?

That would probably be a big fat “yeah freakin’ right” considering there was leftover snow on the ground Monday morning.  But a girl can wish anyway.  Hopefully it’s sprung where you are!
 
Thanks so much to each and every single one of you who spared a moment for a positive thought or prayer (whichever your weapon of choice may be against all the big boogie men in the world) for my Dad on Monday.  He did pretty well and made it through the surgery without any major complications.  He survived the cut through his sternum, the terrifying spreading open of his ribcage, the stopping of his heart and the moment they attached it to a bypass machine.  He made it through the removal of his old calcified aortic valve that had served  him for 65 years, and the replacement with a shiny new titanium valve that will probably outlast his human body for years to come (I think now I should start calling him The Terminator – he deserves it).  I was there with him that night as he shuddered against the intubation tubes in his throat and the pain in the tube draining his chest, and I held his hand while they prepared to take him off the ventilator and I could see just how terrified he was.  It took everything I had not to cry, because I knew if I lost it, he’d lose it too.  But he made it through that too and I stayed with him until I was sure his breathing would take him through the night.  It was a long day but it was worth it when I think about how my Dad will now be able to do those things he hasn’t been able to do in so many years if recovery goes well.  Doesn’t science kick ass? 
 
Unfortunately, things have gone from stable to worse, and he’s still in the ICU as of today and had a major “episode” yesterday morning.  They are going to keep him sedated for the next few days as they try to get his kidneys and lungs to recover from the trauma.  I won’t be around much but I wanted to tell all of you that I am so truly thankful to each and every one of you for your kind words and thoughts for us on Monday.  It meant more to me than I can tell you.
 
With all that waiting room time, while my Mom paced and R. Darling read, I knitted.  And finally, I have my first Personal Sock Club 2009 FO, looking like the briefest hint of spring, to present to you:
 

sherbet-socks-side1

 

sherbet-socks-front1

 

Pattern: Plain Vanilla Socks by Keri McKiernan (on Ravelry here)

Yarn: 2 balls of Schachenmayr nomotta Regia Design Line Kaffe Fassett in color #04450 – “Easter”

Needles: Size 1.5 (2.5mm) Knit Picks Harmony 40″ fixed circular for Magic Loop

Mods: None really except this pattern is made to fit custom, so I did my own thing getting it to fit my measurements.

New Techniques: Nope.

Time Lapse: February 20, 2009 – March 16, 2009

Comments: I love these socks and I love the colors.  It was a bit of a surprise that these weren’t just plain old stripes popping up in my yarn, but I probably should have expected that Kaffe Fassett would design something with a little watercolor action in there.  Though there’s nothing fancy about this pattern, sometimes it’s the perfect thing to work on a project that’s no nonsense when everything else in your life seems to be chaotic.  I’m not overly fond of the heel, maybe I’m just a short row heel kinda gal, but it works and it was easy to do.  There’s something about the decreases in the toe that just don’t fit my particular foot right either, maybe something squarish would work better or if I worked the toe longer before decreasing and then just decreased to 16 stitches instead of 8 before grafting the end shut.  Either way, that’s not a pattern problem, just a need for a few tweaks to fit my weird ass feet a little better.  The yarn was pretty nice though I don’t recommend frogging it much.  It kind of winds around itself and knots up if you do.  But I think they’ll wear like iron and that’s a good deal. I fully intended that these socks wouldn’t match because who the hell wants to dig through your ball of yarn trying to find the perfect starting point just so they’ll be perfect (no offense if that’s your thang though)? But somehow I’d already managed to pull out enough yarn in my first abortive attempt to knit these two-at-a-time to have that perfect end just hanging out already waiting to go. They’re just the wee-est bit off but probably no one would know that except for me. Coolz. I guess things just work out sometimes.
 

sherbet-socks-back1

 

Sorry, no fancy outtakes again this time.  Maybe socks just don’t invite goofy outtakes for me or maybe I’m just worn out.  Probably a little bit of both.  Anyway, I hope you’re all doing well.  I don’t know when I’ll be back around here and don’t expect to be online much as my brain just can’t handle the overload right now and I’m doing a lot of quiet things like reading and knitting to relax.  But if you see me faving things on Ravelry, please don’t judge me – the pretty pretty patterns relax me too :)  Thanks so much again to all of you for your kind messages and thoughts for my Dad.  I really and truly appreciate each and every kindness and each and every one of you.  It’s been a hard week for me, and it may get harder, but knowing you’re all out there makes it just a little bit easier :) Have a great weekend!

14

Friday Fill-In #115

How Does Your Garden Grow?

How Does Your Garden Grow?


 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Friday Fill-In #115
(get yours here)

1. When I look to the left, I see a ginormous mess that really needs cleaning up.

2. Any room my hubby is in is the room that has the best view in my home!

3. Let it work, and be sure to shake what yo momma gave ya.

4. Dirty deeds done dirt cheap!

5. Kindness to one another is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.

6. If you have any spare prayers or positive thoughts, please feel free to think a few for my Dad.  He’s having a major major super scary heart surgery on Monday and needs all he can get.  Thank you!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to spending time with my hubby, tomorrow my plans include sleeping in! and Sunday, I want to knit of course :)
 

Have a wonderful weekend Bloggy Peeps!

10

Do You Feel It Too?

The first week after springing forward in time always leaves me feeling disoriented.  I’m not tired when I should be, I’m tired when I shouldn’t be, the sensation that things are always sliding just out of my reach prickles at my skin.  Mornings dawn dark and lonely instead of cheerful and promising.  My mind, unsettled, spills its contents into the nighttime air.  Snatches of song, pieces of lists, images and memories swirl around my fitful body as I try to grasp each one and put it to rest.  But they elude my sleepy fingers, seeking refuge in the inky corners of my room, only to return again once the moon has risen.  I think perhaps my terrier feels this slipping sensation that I feel, but when I ask him he only licks my face and wags his tail.

9

Humbled By A Lowly Scarf

Where The Locals Go

Your Friendly Neighborhood LYS


 

Last Saturday night I gathered my wits & my knitting needles & met my knitty pal Troy at our usual weekend meet up place, namely Starbucks and then the LYS.  We had our high-priced-yet-can’t-live-without caffeinated beverages of choice & caught up for about an hour, then headed over to the shop for the luxury yarn retreat.  The door opened with a whoosh and were at once inside the warmth of the shop where glittering piles of silk lay winking back at us from the table like stranded jewels.  We claimed our seats and then wandered around the shop waiting for the rest of the group to arrive.  There were goodies, small talk, pawing at yarn and more goodies.  This kind of atmosphere sends me into shivers of negative anticipation, though I know it’s good for me to mingle with other humans and I should really do it more often lest I become even more hermitous than I already am.  I am awful at small talk, and intolerably shy, so any kind of activity that involves having to make polite chit chat with strangers makes my stomach hurt.  But leave it to me to jinx myself.  I had told Troy during coffee that if they asked us to do that age-old first day of class thing where they make you stand up and say your name and a little something about yourself, I would probably run out the door on the spot.  But be proud of me.  When they did this (and, oh.yes.they.did.) I just flicked Troy under the table and waited my turn.  Guess making a scene and running out the door like my ass was on fire seemed far worse than choking out my name and a few words about myself, while nodding politely to everyone staring at me like I had suddenly sprouted 6 eyes and a tail.

 

The Boise Cashmere Scarf in Chocolate Urban Silk from Skacel

The Boise Cashmere Scarf in Chocolate Urban Silk from Skacel


 

With introductions out of the way, we were all told to choose 2 balls of Skacel’s Urban Silk from the sparkling pile on the table.  I was drawn to this lovely boysenberry shade, but ended up choosing chocolate brown, feeling it would fit my wardrobe much better.  The pattern we would be working on as a group was The Boise Cashmere Scarf from the book Luxury Yarn One-Skein Wonders, though we were knitting it in silk rather than cashmere.  So, we cast on.  I knit the first row, then I knit the second.  I tried the third and the stitch count was off.  Craps.  Frog and try again.  Repeat entire process at least 40 times all while muttering curse words unintelligibly so as not to draw attention to oneself.  Once, I said “W.T.F.” rather loudly under my breath and Troy laughed out loud.  Now, I would not say that I know everything there is to know about knitting.  In fact, I’d rather guess that I know very little about knitting really.  But I am most definitely NOT a beginner.  A scarf with only one line of instructions should not, as a rule, be something that stumps me.  Yet apparently I am not hot shit after all.  Oh and p3tog – you are not my friend.  And your friend YO, as long as she’s with you we just can’t hang.  So deal.

 

Alas, after finally (finally!) figuring out the pattern, I was cruising along rather smoothly on my scarf when lo and behold – my second knot appeared in my ball of silk.  By then, I’d about had it anyway and was quite convinced I wasn’t going to wear the scarf in real life, so I laid down the needles and took myself off to look at more yarn.  All in all, it was a lovely evening and the LYS owner as well the staff were fantastically helpful as well as welcoming, something that’s always important in a good LYS.  Though I may not make the scarf, the event was fun and I’m really glad that Troy dragged my sorry ass out for some social interaction.  Thanks Troy!  I know that crap is good for me even if it’s a tough pill to swallow at times :)

 

Goodies!

Goodies!

5

Technical Difficulties

What up, Bloggy Peeps? I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t died, or slipped into a yarn-induced coma, and I’m not purposely ignoring you guys. We’re just experiencing some intrawebs “issues” at home right now; as in, we don’t have it and it stinks. So I’m really sorry there’s been no update on the the Luxury Yarn Retreat from last Saturday, or pretty yarn pics to show, or even any bellyaching to do, and I haven’t been able to send many e-mails (only what I can squeeze in during lunch at work), but we hope the bugs will get fixed soon.

Hope you’re doing well & I’ll catch up with you all later on :) Until then, knit on party peeps!